EMAIL TIME!

In life sometimes people think they are poets. Most of the time they aren't, they are just weird, as you can tell from this next email:


Xxxxxxx [Edit! our company name!]

do you have a catalog that i could order many

favorite of mine... Xxxxxxx is the best engine..

the sound i could never get tired of.. the smoke

outstanding.. the turbo that whistle.. i love

immitate the sound of Xxxxxxx.. the deep

sound rattles my lungs.. better than powerstroke

what a joke.. here is my home address

[Edit customer Name]

242 xxxxxxx

Adel, GA 31620....

sincerely

[Name again?!?]



I don't know why you would make a poem this bad and send it to anyone, unless you hated them. . .

This guy was a real math genius.

This caller proves that you don't have to be good at math to be able to afford a 300,000 dollar motorhome. Of course over the time I have spent in customer assistance I have learned that sometimes even people with the IQ of a turnip can sometimes lay down the money for something that I currently can't even think of affording. Here it is:

Me: Thanks for calling xxxxxxx customer assistance, and thanks for holding. My name is Scotty. May I have your name please?

Caller: Yeah, I got a problem. I have an xxx, and I had it show on the test strips that I needed some DCA4 additive. What should I do?

Me: You should add some DCA4 additive in the amount specified to bring it to the proper level. The test strip instructions should state what that amount is. Can I have your name please?

Caller: Ohh. It says I should add a quart for a 15 gallon system to get it to normal. I have a 14 gallon system. What should I do?

Me: Add a quart. The system is close enough to a 15 gallon system, and as long as the DCA4 additive level falls into a certain range you should be okay. That range is found in your operation and maintenance manual. Again I would like your name and number just in case I need to research something and contact you.

(I really didn’t need to research anything, but we are supposed to keep track of callers.)

Caller: You don’t need that information. I just have a few easy questions.

(If there were that easy then why is he calling me?)

Me: Okay.

Caller: If I add 2 16 ounce bottles of DCA4 additive will that be the same as adding a quart?

Me: Yes, a quart is 32 ounces, therefore 2 bottles which are 16 ounces each would equal a quart.

Caller: Are you sure? I will get a quart bottle if I need to.

Me: Yes, I am sure. You can verify this by looking at a quart bottle that shows how many ounces are in it. It will say 32 ounces. Then multiply 16 by 2 and you will find out that it comes up 32.

Caller: That is all I needed. Bye. (hangs up)

NO! I will NOT give you a Napa part number!

Sometimes I will get a call that starts off well, but doesn't end that way. This guy sounded intelligent, but at the end... Well, you'll see. I did thank him for saying he would not call us again!

Me: Thanks for calling xxxxxxx customer assistance, my name is Scotty. May I have your name please?

Caller: Bill xxxxxx

Me: And your phone number?

Caller: xxx-xxx-xxxx

Me: How can I help you today?

Caller: I need a freeze plug.

Me: What engine do you have?

Caller: An XXX, engine number xxxxxxxx.

(He is pretty cooperative at this stage, and he supplies me with the information I need. It looks like it’s going to be a good call).

Me: Okay, which freeze plug do you need?

Caller: The one on the side of the engine.

Me: Most of them are on the side of the engine. Which one of them are you talking about?

Caller: The one that is made of metal.

Me: Freeze plugs are generally made of metal. Can you give me a general area where it is?

Caller: On the side of the engine. It’s kinda in the middle. It started leaking oil.

Me: Do you mean coolant?

Caller: No, I mean oil.

Me: Okay, we have now determined what you want is NOT a freeze plug. It’s an oil gallery plug. Is in above the transfer pump?

Caller: What’s a transfer pump?

Me: The fuel pump that transfers fuel from the tank to the injection pump. It’s on the side of the engine.

Caller: Ohh, that thing! Yeah, it screws in above it.

Me: Okay, that is part number xxxxxxx. You have a distributor less than 5 miles from you. They would be a good place to get it.

Caller: I want a Napa part number. I don’t want to go to xxxxxxx xxxxx xxxxx (the distributor).

Me: I can’t give you a Napa part number. We only have the part numbers for our company, besides, it would be best to go with what the engine is designed to use.

Caller: I want a Napa part number. You have to give it to me since you are supposed to provide customer service.

Me: I cannot, and will not give you a Napa part number. If you wanted a Napa part number, why didn’t you go to Napa?

Caller: They told me they had no way to look up that part, and they could only give me something that looked like it would work. They also told me if I wanted the right part I would need to go to your company. I called you, and now I want a Napa part number. Give it to me.

Me: Sir, I will not be able to provide you with a Napa part number. Napa could not even give you a part number because they do not make it. Remember, they sent you to us to get the part since they can not get an exact replacement.

Caller: Fine then, if you won’t give me a Napa part number I will NEVER call here again.

Me: Thank you. Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Caller: No. Bye. (hangs up)

IT'S TIME FOR AN EMAIL!

Hello! This is an email we got at work today.
It was so funny we had to put it up. Here's the magic!

Hi, I am a [Edit] (Year 2005) owner with [Edit] Turbo Diesel
engine. I looked every where in the owner\'s manual and did not see
anything about changing the spark plugs or doing tune-ups. I have changed
the oil and filter, but I guess I am not sure if I need to change to spark
plugs yet. My truck has 40,000 miles. When do I need to change the spark
plugs (I have been a gasoline engine owner forever). Please advise.
Thanks, Ming [Last name Edit]


This goes to show that not everyone should own a Diesel. ^_^

And sometimes we get some really rude ones.....

Here is a call I got from an extremely rude customer. First off he calls in asking us for help, but will not give any information. Then he will not listen to me try to tell him he called the wrong place, then he curses and yells at me, even threatens to sue me, and to top it all off when he realizes what an idiot he made himself look like he hangs up. No apology for acting the way he did, just an abrupt end to the call. All over lug nuts. This guy seriously needs anger management.

Me: Thanks for calling xxxxxxx customer assistance and thanks for holding. My name is Scotty, may I have your name please?

Caller: No, you don’t need it.

Me: Okay, how about a contact number just in case the call gets lost?

Caller: I will not give you my number. I don’t want it sold, and you don’t need it. I just have a simple question.

Me: Okaaaay, how may I help you?

Caller: I want to know what size lug nuts are on my RV.

Me: I am sorry sir, you have called xxxxxxx engine company. We do not make the chassis, which would include the lug nuts.

Caller: Damn it! It has a xxxxxxx engine in it! You better f’ing tell me what size lug nuts it has! If you don’t and I get stuck because I can’t change a tire I will sue your @$$ off!

Me: Sir, as I have tried to…..

Caller (interrupts): I told you! You had better f’ing tell me what size lug nuts my wheels have, and I mean now!!

Me: Are you done yelling and cursing yet? If not I will end this call and you can call us back when you can speak in a more reasonable tone of voice and without cursing at me. (I talked over him at this point).

Me: Now, as I tried to explain, we are an engine manufacturer. We sell the engine to various chassis companies. They place the engine in their chassis. They are the ones who put the chassis together, and that chassis would include the wheels and tires. You need to call them and ask them what size lug nuts you have.

Caller: You mean you don’t put the tires on?

Me: We do not put the tires on.

Caller: You only make the engine?

Me: We only make the engine.

Caller: Uhh, sorry. I gotta go. *hangs up

Ahh yes, another day in the customer assistance center.

I work in the customer assistance center of a diesel engine manufacturer, and I get some really weird calls. I am going to start taking one a day (or at least the transcript of them) and posting it here for your entertainment. I have come to realize that common sense isn't all that common since I have been dealing with the sea of humanity which inhabits the highway, byways, and high seas. Here is my first posting, a real candidate for a darwin award:

Me: Thanks for calling xxxxxxx and thanks for holding, my name is

Scotty, may I have your name please?

Caller: Wes

Me: and your last name?

Caller:.......

Me: How about your phone number?

Caller: I don't know it. I just got this phone and I can't remember

stuff

too well.

Me: Okay, how can I help you?

Caller: My truck don't run.

Me: And?

Caller: It had a quarter tank of gas and now it shows half a tank, but

it

was running good and then it quit. Now it won't start.

Me: It went from a quarter to a half tank?

Caller: I parked it sideways on a hill.

Me: Hmm, it sounds as if you may have possibly gotten the pick up tube

above the fuel level, which would cause a no start situation.

Caller: But it shows a half tank!

Me: Do you have dual tanks?

Caller: Yeah

Me: And with those dual tanks do you have a switch to go between the

two?

Caller: No

Me: Did the truck act like it ran out of fuel?

Caller: Yeah

Caller: Can you tell me if there are codes for running out of fuel?

Me: No, you do not get a code for running out of fuel.

Caller: I want to see if there are codes.

Me: Okay, what engine do you have?

Caller: A red one.

Me: I need a bit more information than that. What kind of engine is it?

Caller: A xxxxxxx

Me: That is not helping me at all. Can you tell me a bit more about it?

Caller: It's a 6 cylinder diesel engine.

Me: That really does not help me at all. Okay, does the engine say

anything

on it?

Caller: It says xxxxxxx.

Me: What year and what kind of truck is it?

Caller: It's a 2005 Volvo semi.

Me: Okay, do you see a metal tag on the engine with some numbers on it?

Caller: Yes

Me: Does one of them begin with either a 35 or a 79 and have 8 digits?

Caller: Yeah, one begines with 79, but had ESN in front of it.

Me: Okay, that tells me what kind of engine you have.

Me: Now look in the unit and tell me if you see a diagnostic switch.

Me:......

Caller: What's a diagnostic switch?

Me: That would be a switch that says the word "Diagnostic" or somethng

similar near it.

Caller: I don't have one.

Me: Well, the only way to pull a code is if it is an active one, so you

probably would not be able to get one anyway.

Caller: Ohh.

Me: Why don't you try gettng some diesel and putting it into the fuel

tanks

so you can raise the level up some to get it to the fuel pick up tube, then

start the engine and pull the unit to level ground?

Caller: I'm on a dairy farm, and cows only give milk, not diesel.

Me: What!?!?

Caller: Cows don't have diesel in them so I can't get any diesel.

Me:.......

Me: Okay, Let me see who your closest xxxxxxx authorized repair

facility

is, and we will see if they can assist you with call out service.

Caller: I am located in xxxxx VA. That is pretty far away from

everywhere.

Me: I show a xxxxxxx facility less than 20 miles away, and I can give

you

their number, then transfer you to them. They should be able to provide

personalized assistance to you, and possibly be able to bring enough

fuel

to get you going.

Caller: Hey! I see a tractor here! I think I will hook it to my rig and

pull it off the hill and onto some flat ground!

Me: I would not advise that.

Caller: I'm going to get off of here and do that! All I have to do is

to

hook to my truck and pull it off of the hill. I'm going to go now. Bye!

Me:......