Ahh yes, another day in the customer assistance center.

I work in the customer assistance center of a diesel engine manufacturer, and I get some really weird calls. I am going to start taking one a day (or at least the transcript of them) and posting it here for your entertainment. I have come to realize that common sense isn't all that common since I have been dealing with the sea of humanity which inhabits the highway, byways, and high seas. Here is my first posting, a real candidate for a darwin award:

Me: Thanks for calling xxxxxxx and thanks for holding, my name is

Scotty, may I have your name please?

Caller: Wes

Me: and your last name?

Caller:.......

Me: How about your phone number?

Caller: I don't know it. I just got this phone and I can't remember

stuff

too well.

Me: Okay, how can I help you?

Caller: My truck don't run.

Me: And?

Caller: It had a quarter tank of gas and now it shows half a tank, but

it

was running good and then it quit. Now it won't start.

Me: It went from a quarter to a half tank?

Caller: I parked it sideways on a hill.

Me: Hmm, it sounds as if you may have possibly gotten the pick up tube

above the fuel level, which would cause a no start situation.

Caller: But it shows a half tank!

Me: Do you have dual tanks?

Caller: Yeah

Me: And with those dual tanks do you have a switch to go between the

two?

Caller: No

Me: Did the truck act like it ran out of fuel?

Caller: Yeah

Caller: Can you tell me if there are codes for running out of fuel?

Me: No, you do not get a code for running out of fuel.

Caller: I want to see if there are codes.

Me: Okay, what engine do you have?

Caller: A red one.

Me: I need a bit more information than that. What kind of engine is it?

Caller: A xxxxxxx

Me: That is not helping me at all. Can you tell me a bit more about it?

Caller: It's a 6 cylinder diesel engine.

Me: That really does not help me at all. Okay, does the engine say

anything

on it?

Caller: It says xxxxxxx.

Me: What year and what kind of truck is it?

Caller: It's a 2005 Volvo semi.

Me: Okay, do you see a metal tag on the engine with some numbers on it?

Caller: Yes

Me: Does one of them begin with either a 35 or a 79 and have 8 digits?

Caller: Yeah, one begines with 79, but had ESN in front of it.

Me: Okay, that tells me what kind of engine you have.

Me: Now look in the unit and tell me if you see a diagnostic switch.

Me:......

Caller: What's a diagnostic switch?

Me: That would be a switch that says the word "Diagnostic" or somethng

similar near it.

Caller: I don't have one.

Me: Well, the only way to pull a code is if it is an active one, so you

probably would not be able to get one anyway.

Caller: Ohh.

Me: Why don't you try gettng some diesel and putting it into the fuel

tanks

so you can raise the level up some to get it to the fuel pick up tube, then

start the engine and pull the unit to level ground?

Caller: I'm on a dairy farm, and cows only give milk, not diesel.

Me: What!?!?

Caller: Cows don't have diesel in them so I can't get any diesel.

Me:.......

Me: Okay, Let me see who your closest xxxxxxx authorized repair

facility

is, and we will see if they can assist you with call out service.

Caller: I am located in xxxxx VA. That is pretty far away from

everywhere.

Me: I show a xxxxxxx facility less than 20 miles away, and I can give

you

their number, then transfer you to them. They should be able to provide

personalized assistance to you, and possibly be able to bring enough

fuel

to get you going.

Caller: Hey! I see a tractor here! I think I will hook it to my rig and

pull it off the hill and onto some flat ground!

Me: I would not advise that.

Caller: I'm going to get off of here and do that! All I have to do is

to

hook to my truck and pull it off of the hill. I'm going to go now. Bye!

Me:......